The Taos Series, Part 1: Stepping Off the Train
Originally Written October 9, 2019
I spent the weekend in Taos with my best friend, Holli. She recently moved there on a quest to rediscover who she really is. Before moving, she found herself stuck in a rut, going down some dark paths, making choices that didn’t serve her highest self, step and repeat. She wanted to redirect, dig-in to emotions and thoughts that she had buried, and find out what she is supposed to be doing this time around. The only way she could do that was to “step off the train”, a term I’m using to describe getting out of a rut, or not following the herd anymore, or taking the pressure off oneself, or walking away to find home, or maybe even completely starting over – wiping the slate clean.
I’ve talked to several people lately who are “stepping off the train” to really find their true dharma, their true calling…including myself. I have to admit I’ve been struggling lately. Not in my general everyday life…I love my life. I love my husband, my two daughters (even though they challenge me on a daily basis), my friends, my extended family, etc. However, there’s been something pushing me to really stay in the space that I’m in instead of moving forward to pile more on. There's an energetic force that's really holding space for me while I dial in my true calling.
My summer was jam-packed with obligations, taxi driving, working hard, doing everything for everyone else, and stressing over things that didn’t deserve that much power over my happiness. I felt like my shoulders were constantly up to my ears, my wrinkles were making deeper lines into a “mean bitch” face, and every day was filled with getting things done on a tight schedule. It was hard for everyone in the family. We were constantly packing, unpacking, rushing in, rushing out. Each day getting shorter and shorter with each other with more disrespect creeping in everywhere.
When we finally had a few free days before school started, I had a realization that this isn’t what I wanted for me or my family. We were running around like crazy people, and we were not grounded at all – no matter how much sage we burned, or how many essential oils we sprayed! We weren’t enjoying any of the things we were doing because we were totally overwhelmed and just couldn’t seem to stop spiraling out of control. I was blaming everyone else, when in reality, I think all the chaos and negative energy was…me. I felt disconnected from my husband, my family and my friends because all of my brain power was being used up by self-created stress – the non-stop, highspeed, out-of-control train to Nowhere, USA.
Luckily, I have the best husband in the world. He really gets me…or at least he puts on a good act of understanding me! Either way, I told him that I needed to take some space. I needed a break to try to figure things out. He was fully supportive, without question, snide comments, or guilt-creating actions. That was over a month ago, and he’s still encouraging me to explore and dig deep. More importantly, to just be. I’m so blessed.
I’ve been a stay-at-home-mom since my first daughter was born (with constant side gigs here and there – from writing to health coaching – sure, you can work from home with two babies – it’s totally easy! Ummm, not for me!). Being a stay-at-home mom was not at all what I had envisioned or dreamed about when I was younger. I was going to be a successful career woman. No way would I be one of those frumpy moms staying at home, doing laundry and dishes all day! Yuck!
Boy, did the Universe have a different plan for me! After I had my first daughter, I just couldn’t leave her. I didn’t want anyone else seeing all her powerful first-times, or teaching her the things I wanted to teach her. So, my husband and I figured out how to do it financially, and I stayed home with my babies. The girls are 9 and 12 now, pretty self sufficient, reliable, smart, kind-hearted, athletic and confident. I’m ridiculously proud of them.
However, now, sigh, now is the time that I need to really dig-in to what I want. The last really vivid life dream I had was to live in the mountains, get married, and have kids. Well, checkmark! Been there, done that. LOVING IT! I feel that this tween and teen age is a fragile time for my daughters, and I want to be available for them – not distracted and overwhelmed with my own life stuff. I need to form a new vision. What does my life look like for the next 6-9 years?
I feel like I’m in the middle. The muddy, mucky, tough-to-define middle. The crossroads where I have to decide and commit. As Brene Brown would say, “The MIDDLE is messy, but it’s also where the MAGIC happens.”
My trip to Taos didn’t magically answer all my life questions like I had secretly hoped, but it certainly brought a fresh perspective. It reminded me that life can be simple. The life I want is about being inspired, creative, fun, and INDIVIDUAL. I want to fully embrace who I am on the inside. That person I’ve known for so long, but for some reason can’t seem to express on the outside.
In order to make it out of this mucky middle puddle to find the magic, I’m going to have to stop looking around at others for the answers, stop googling, and stop stalking FB because everyone else is not like me, and I am not like everyone else.
So, I’m stepping off the train…
In the next few months, I’ll be at home writing and catching up with myself, gathering friends that I’ve lost touch with, listening to my kids tell me stories from their days, cooking all the things that I’ve wanted to experiment with for years, dialing in my dharma, and laughing out loud at stress with my husband in our little hideout in the trees!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still helping my clients find their true path to health and wellness…just in a different way!
Stay tuned for more adventures into finding the magic!